Royalty (Filk)

Written by: Michelle Stark Sancha Castellanos in honor (?) of Baron Ramvoldus Kröll and Baroness Kungund Benehonig

Performed at: Dreiburgen Summer Arts 2022

Performed by: (A) Sancha Castellanos, (B) Lynnette de Sandoval del Valle de los Unicornios, (C) Mary Dedwydd verch Gwallter

Set Up

Scene: A clearly flustered Captain of the Guards (A) approaches two long term Ladies in Waiting (B & C) while working for the Coronets

Props: At mid stage (in front of the Thrones) is a table covered with a Dreiburgen table cloth, set with a basket, a pitcher, and a parasol

The basket has two goblets on (C)'s end, nearest the thrones. Apples, plate, knife in middle of basket.

A coil of rope is hidden under the table where (B) can get at it

Business: (A) is trying to organize the Baron & Baroness and their Thrones, while (B) & (C) set up the “back of court table” (at mid stage) with a parasol, mugs, & a basket.

Once the Baron & Baroness are politely seated, (A) comes over to (B) & (C) & with a very frustrated expression.

Royalty

Sung to "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" from Sound of Music

(B) (Spoken) So, how’s it going Captain?

(A) She slips away at break of day to spar in His Lordship's braies

She sings just like the meadowlarks about dying in glorious ways

(C) She frustrates and inspires in so many little ways

(B) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(A) She cackles as She runs across the eric in Her gown

She’s always unattended even in front of the Crown

(B) And half the time you’re searching and They’re nowhere to be found

(C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(A) Oh this one’s really gonna make you laugh

The Baron ... Hates His ... Pants!

(C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(B) How do you keep a Royal in control?

(B & C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(A) Wait, what presentation?

And why are They doing my job

(count off the issues) How do you keep Them fed and hydrated?

How do you get Them where they ought to be?

And how do you make Them stay, and why do They run away?

Tell me how you keep Them seated, please!

(B) Rope (holds up rope, Mary pushes down on her hand, NO!)

(B & C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(move around throughout next section, switch every couple of lines)

(A) Even the baron cannot hold Her down

When I’m with Them I’m excited,

Overjoyed and delighted and I never know how much fun I will have

Her giddy laughter is infectious

and inspires all to greatness

She’s amazing

She's the best!

Yea… I’m a fan!

He's hilarious and kind

Killer skills and brilliant mind

He can conquer foes with pure encouragement

She makes me laugh

He makes me cry

And so I serve with glowing pride

They make the fun times

Even more fun

And that's why I play!

(B & C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty? (to audience)

How do you solve an issue for the Crown?

(A) Or coronet

(B & C) How do you solve the problems of the Royalty?

(A is distracted looking at the thrones)

(B & C) start pulling things out of the basket)

(A) Wait, what presentation? (Exclaims)

And. Why. are. they. doing. my. job!

(Slow the song down here) (All work on getting things ready)

(All)

How do you keep Them fed and hydrated? (fill mugs and dig apple out of basket)

How do you get Them where they ought to be? (pull out parasol)

And how do you make Them stay, and why do they run away?

Tell me how you keep Them seated, please! (pull out rope, no!)

How do you solve the problems of the Royalty? (walk over to seats)

(A) Even the Baron cannot hold Her down

End

All move from the table to behind the Thrones:

(B) 1st with parasol and shaking the rope, stands behind Her Excellency (stage right)

(A) 2nd with apples, on plate with knife, sets them down on table. Stand behind table (center)

(C) 3rd with goblets and sets them down on table. Stands behind His Excellency (stage left)

End song by stepping behind the Thrones, prepared to serve Their Excellencies during court

All bow their heads to signal that we’re done